Family


Pam and I love to travel. Given the nature of her ministry, she gets to do more of it than I do. But I really can’t complain as I truly do get more than my fair share. Pam just got back from Singapore, a missions related visit that was nothing more than a series of meetings with her peers and superiors; necessary, but essentially business travel. Next week she will be going to a local conference on participatory learning. We will drive to Port Dickson early enough to grab a bite to eat somewhere on the waterfront. Again, not a huge trip, but certainly an enjoyable afternoon for me, and a week at a nice hotel for Pam.

One of my colleagues is packing up to return to Canada. This is significant for me as I might have to cover her responsibilities in the short term (up to Christmas) to help out the team. What was more germane to this post was her email informing the staff of the importance of keeping a travel log, as the company we work for requires this on exit. I am hoping I don’t have to exit anytime soon, but I thought it might be a useful exercise as well as saving me some grief at some point in the future.

One purpose of this blog is that is serves as a useful reminder of where we have been and what we have done since we arrived here (thanks Jon for suggesting it and setting it up for us!). This is fortunate because all those little custom stamps on your passport are hard to read and it is useful to have a backup site to check dates and locations. So far I have compiled a list just shy of 40 trips. That doesn’t include trips within Malaysia, as they don’t get stamped. That is quite a list in just five years. I would estimate that Pam’s list would be at least twice that.

Some of those places have been nearby, such as Singapore, barely five hours done the road from here. Some have been wildly exotic, like the Great Wall of China and the Little Barrier Reef of Australia. Wherever, it has been a great privilege to live in this part of the world, and I thank God for the opportunities we have had to see some of His beautiful creation before age and finances drive us home for good. We will never see the world in the same way again.

Neil Macdonald: Remembering Archie Barr, Canada’s honourable spy

About The Author
Neil Macdonald is the senior Washington correspondent for CBC News, which he joined in 1988 following 12 years in newspapers. Before taking up this post in 2003, Macdonald reported from the Middle East for five years.

 

Many years ago, I was a young reporter working on what appeared to be a bombshell tip. I placed a call to a man named Archie Barr. I’d been told that Robert Coates, Brian Mulroney’s new defence minister, had compromised himself, and a briefcase containing national secrets, somewhere in Europe. Apparently hookers were involved. We had further been told that some top-secret government agency was investigating.

At the time, Barr ran a top-secret government agency: the Canadian Security Intelligence Service. He was its deputy director. He assured me CSIS was not investigating any such story. Though he said some other agency might be and, if it were, it might not have seen fit to tell CSIS. So I kept digging. Long story short, we found out that Coates and two assistants had been in a bar featuring strippers and hookers outside the Canadian military base in Lahr, Germany. There was no briefcase of secrets involved, but Coates’s officials had misled Lahr’s base commander. They had used his official car, were tailed by military police and had spread expense-account money around the bar. Coates resigned and Privy Council Office security officials, we discovered, had been looking into the case.

When I returned from Germany, though, I read in the Toronto Sun that CSIS had also been pursuing an investigation. I’ll never forget the reply when I called Archie Barr back and demanded to know why he had denied it: “Our investigation started a few seconds after you walked out my door,” he said. “This is a two-way street, young fellow.” That’s called being schooled by a pro. Not your usual cop

Archie Barr died quietly last Sunday in Kingston, Ont., after decades of kidney disease. He was in his late-70s.
He joined the RCMP at 18 and would eventually be sent off by the force to the Royal College of Defence Studies in London, U.K. I cannot say I knew him well. I’m not sure anyone did. He was a cipher even to other spies, and Scots-Canadian farm boys from Winnipeg don’t open easily to others, especially reporters. But I grew to consider him something of a friend. I also realized he was one of the smartest people I had ever met. We’ve corresponded for years.

When I first met him, in 1982, he was still a cop — a chief superintendent in the RCMP security service, where he’d spent a career chasing around Cold War spies and trying to persuade East Bloc diplomats and citizens to betray their countries. I had met lots of cops by that time, but none like him.

He didn’t believe in the us-versus-them code that guides most police. He believed that law enforcement agencies are there to protect the civil rights of the population, not violate them. He believed that if someone is investigated and found to be without fault, the fact that person was investigated at all should remain a deeply guarded secret. He also believed, as did at least two royal commissions that examined the sometimes illegal antics of the RCMP, that police, with their black-and-white, arrest-the-bad-guy approach, don’t make good intelligence agents. And he talked freely about “our sins.” He felt the Mounties had some atoning to do.

Starting CSIS
That view didn’t make him particularly popular in certain circles of the RCMP. Nonetheless, he went on to become the guiding intellect behind the establishment of CSIS, Canada’s first civilian intelligence agency.
“It would not have happened without Archie,” an old colleague who followed him into CSIS told me this week. “It was uncommon within the RCMP to run into someone with his intelligence and determination.” CSIS was a quid pro quo. The new agency was given unheard-of powers, subject to judicial approval. In return, Archie Barr ensured CSIS submitted to an unheard-of level of oversight — both its inspector general and the Security Intelligence Review Committee have carte blanche to go through its files.

“He knew the faith and credit of the Canadian public was the agency’s bread and butter,” said his former co-spy. “He is probably most responsible for what we have now, which is a pretty good agency, with a reputation around the world.” Barr was a counter-intelligence guy from another era. He was a close friend of Sir William Stephenson, the famed Canadian “Man called Intrepid” whose spying on Nazi Germany helped change the course of the Second World War. Barr even introduced me once to the great spymaster.

He was also a trusted contemporary of James Jesus Angleton, the fanatically anti-Communist CIA executive who tore that agency apart during the 1960s and 1970s, looking for Soviet moles. Angleton at one point named former Canadian prime ministers Pierre Trudeau and Lester B. Pearson as possible Communist agents, and it is probably no coincidence that Barr and a few other young Mounties began Operation Featherbed, a mole-chasing exercise that ended up investigating hundreds, if not thousands of Canadians, including journalists and, reportedly, Trudeau himself. “We did probably cast the net too wide,” says Archie’s ex-colleague today. “But we knew we were penetrated, and operations were going sour, and we did what we had to do.” Featherbed was sealed decades ago, and remains sealed today.

A frightening power
Being part of operations such as Featherbed almost certainly had something to do with Barr’s conviction later in life that intelligence agencies need leashes. Justice John Major delivered a scathing report in June 2010 on the RCMP and CSIS and the way they handled the 1985 Air India bombing. He called it a ‘cascading series of errors.’ (Canadian Press). It may have even contributed to his belief that intelligence agents and reporters were not adversaries, but, in their own ways, support systems for democracy, something he tried routinely to convince his colleagues of. We both attempt to uncover bad behaviour, he once told me, we just report it differently.

That’s not to say Barr was everyone’s source. But he would pick up his phone, and he would answer serious questions, and reporters who bothered would learn that there are real threats to Canada’s security and that dealing with them is a serious business. He provided some insights I will never forget. People never see themselves as they truly are, he used to say. Even the smartest ones. If you understand that, and you can understand how a person does see himself, you can exercise a frightening power over that individual. That is how a good spy handles his agents, and that is how cult leaders exercise their hold on people, and that is how good managers manage. It is also why reporters can be so easily manipulated, and realizing that is essential if you want to do the job properly.

Deniability
From time to time, I felt I could recognize Barr’s theories and musings in accounts by certain other journalists. Often, it would be those accounts of politicians who loved having secret organizations at their disposal, and who wanted results, but of course also wanted deniability in the event something went wrong. And things did go wrong. Archie’s personal demon was Babbar Khalsa, the Sikh extremist group almost certainly responsible for the Air India bombings in 1985. CSIS was a young agency, still running on RCMP rules, and it failed, probably more because of human error and imperfection and bad judgment than laziness or malfeasance.

From where I sit, Archie Barr was a Canadian patriot. More reporters should meet spies like him. He may have sinned. We all have. But he was among the very few responsible for making the shadowy world more accountable to the public it serves.

A footnote: I was sued by Bob Coates for the story about his adventures in Germany, and in the course of testimony, a rather foolish ex-boss at the newspaper for which I worked blurted out that Neil Macdonald had a source in CSIS.
Coates of course wanted the name and I tried the journalistic stonewall, but the reality soon became clear. I had a choice: Name Archie Barr or lose the lawsuit. I finally called him, and he told me that if it became public that he had spoken to me, he’d be finished at CSIS. That said, if the newspaper promised to appeal, he would come forward himself if the case was lost in the high court.

Eventually, he said, we all have to take responsibility for what we do. As it turned out, Coates dropped the suit, so it wasn’t necessary. But I am certain Archie Barr would have stepped forward.
Like I said, he was a pro.

This week marks the end of Ramadan, the biggest holiday of the year in Malaysia, when everyone heads to their home town for a week of festivities. We decided to take this week to do something that we were unable to do until recently: explore more of Malaysia by car. Accordingly we headed off the Kuala Terengganau, the most Muslim state in the country that boasts some of the nicest beaches on the north east coast of the mainland.


Forgive us our Western cynicism, but truthfully we were not expecting too much, having seen what some locally run tourist sites look like near KL. But after just the first day, we can’t believe what incredibly beautiful sights have been just four hours away from us all this time. The drive across the central highlands of this country has always impressed us with its beauty, but the water on the East Coast looked just beautiful, and the further north we got, the more lovely it seemed. We landed in Kuala Terangganu, the capital of the state, and booked in to a very nice hotel with Wifi in the room, decent cable TV (Johnny English, yay!) and some comfy beds.

We got an early start and had the joy of watching from our balcony as the the sun rose over the South China Sea. A short drive south again brought us to Marang, hard on the coast, and graced by an enormous mosque that would have done KL proud. Just ten minutes by fast boat from the Marang Jetty lay Kepas Island, a little known and relatively undeveloped tropical island surrounded by crystal clear warm water and awesome banks of coral. We headed to the nearest beach hut cafe for a coffee and a watermelon juice to talk through our strategy.

We spent hours snorkeling over an underwater water world, watching literally hundreds of different species of fish in the most amazing colours and sizes. For a brief moment I almost panicked, thinking I must have drifted far from shore in order the encounter this beauty but I lifted my head up and realized I was about twenty feet from the sand. The charcoal black sea urchins with their diamond ‘eyes’ were startling and dangerously abundant. The little clown fish in their soft coral fascinating and elusive, the enormous purple mouthed clams that would ominously close as you approached were mysterious and strangely beautiful.

We headed home, tired and having had a little too much sun, marvelling that the Creator of such beauty could love and care for such as us. And tremendously grateful for the privilege once again of seeing His awesome beauty on display in His underwater kingdom.

For a variety of reasons, I have been thinking a lot lately about the concept of home. We have just returned from a wonderful visit with family, friends and colleagues in “our home and native land”. Now we are settling into another year in our adopted home in KL.

It was such a joy and privilege to spend time with Greg and Liz as they settle into their first home together, the very home in which Greg grew up.  We spent lovely days in Ayr, reconnecting with our grandkids in the home that has been a secure haven for them for the past three years. We even had a lovely visit and dinner with Milan, Sara and their boys in the condo which I suppose is somehow our home in Ontario since we own it and it is filled with most of our earthly belongings, such as they are. We also had the joy of staying in my brother’s home enjoying the use of the granny suite that was home to my Dad and Mom for almost twelve years. Without Randy and Syl’s gracious hospitality we would be truly homeless in Ontario!

Today Jon and Nic and their kids watched as the contents of their first family home were loaded into a truck for a move across the continent to their new home in Washington State. It will be both a fun adventure and a huge dislocation for everyone adjusting to life far away from the family and friends they have enjoyed.

In the course of our marriage, we have lived in nine homes on three different continents. The very word home has very strong and positive connotations. We all need to feel connected to a home that creates a sense of familiarity, of belonging, of certainty and security. Now, for the first time in our marriage all of our immediate family have left Ontario, leaving us feeling oddly disconnected, even though we ourselves have been away for over five years. Fortunately we both have brothers, sisters-in-law and nieces and nephews who we love dearly along with many close personal friends with whom we will continue to have connection with in Ontario, and who will always play a huge part of our lives.

Along with the idea of a physical home comes the very strong realization that we also have a “home team”. We are so grateful for those friends who listen to us, care for us, laugh and cry with us, share their hearts and homes with us, encourage, pray and support us. We have come to recognize that home for us is not a set place, or a city on a map. It is wherever the people you love are, whenever you are together building memories both happy and sad, that become a part of us wherever we may be. This is very much like the Christian concept of ‘church,’ which properly understood does not refer to any physical building, whether in Rome, Canterbury or down the street, but rather is the people of God gathered in His name. In a similar way, home for us truly is where our hearts live.

Well it has been really swell, but it is back to Malaysia for Pam and I. It has been a very fast 17 days, starting in Toronto and ending up in Seattle, but here we are both back in Calgary and tomorrow morning we will be on our way once again.

Over the weekend I flew to Seattle to visit our oldest son who is finally moving down there, having worked for Microsoft for the last three years. He admits that the flying was beginning to wear on him. They bought a beautiful home in a gorgeous community, about a half hour’s drive from his new employer. Their new house offers a view of the Cascade Mountains from their bedroom window and a Starbucks in the center of town. Oh yes, there is the best school in the district, a library, and a community center just down the street as well. It looks pretty close to ideal.

Jon patiently tried to bring me up to speed on all the latest gismos that I could use for the classroom. I am not a total loss in this department, having taught Design and Technology for 18 years, but computer stuff is hard to keep up with, even for those whose living depends upon it. I am hoping I can get some of this stuff up and running when I get back to Malaysia.

To top off a very productive weekend we entertained Pete and Joan, our friends in Malaysia this past year who are now back in Calgary looking to relocate in Canada and tonight we will get together with the family of our daughter’s new husband, Greg. We once again want to thank all those who extended their hospitality to us on our all too brief visit home this year. If we didn’t catch you this year, then perhaps we will be able to get together when we get back in 2013. As I look out over our daughter’s back porch at the beautiful Alberta sky, I am hard pressed to think of a single day of bad weather while I have been home; it has been gorgeous weather all the time. Thank you, Father!

Where did the time go? It feels like I just arrived back in Ontario and here we are on our way again, this time out to the West to see our kids. The two youngest, Dave and Liz are in Calgary, which is where we will be headed next, while our oldest is now in Seattle, where I will be flying next weekend. It has been nearly a year since I have seen any of them, so I am looking forward to that leg of our stay in Canada.

This week has been all about seeing our grandkids, who will be shortly joining their Dad in the States, our daughter-in-law Nicole, who has been holding the fort back here in the East, and our friends, supporters and natal families. It has been a whirlwind of meetings and meals, events and conversations. To those we have had the opportunity to see, many thanks for your kindness and hospitality. We wish we could have stayed longer. For those we missed, we are awfully sorry and hope that we will see you next year.

Being missionaries on furlough – even tentmakers like us who don’t have a host of supporting churches to visit on our all too brief annual trips home – means that our time is not our own. It is basically at the service of what we like to call “God-appointments;” those dear folk that the Holy Spirit directs us to minister to in the short time we have at our disposal. However, God is not a hard task-master, and He has allowed us some time of reflection on our journey. We did get a very nice walk through Springbank Park of an evening and a hastily conceived and much appreciated trip to Ipperwash Beach to watch the sun go down in a blaze of glory into Lake Huron.

Now we will have one final visit with our grandkids before we have to say goodbye to them for another year. That will be hard. But it is a great comfort for us to know that they are being brought up in a godly home by parents who love them dearly. With all the turmoil in the world, both here in the West and in Asia where we live, that is a great blessing.

I come from a family of three children. Pam and I had three children. Our oldest son and his wife have three children. Three generations of threes; is there something in that? I remember reading an article during the space race as NASA transitioned from the Gemini program, that was all about earth orbit and space docking, to the Apollo program, that actually put a man on the moon. They did a number of studies that seemed to indicate that three was the perfect number to put in a small enclosed environment like a space capsule. Something about having enough room psychologically to deal with interpersonal stress as there was always another person to make an alliance with if you were having problems with one colleague. Guess this argument breaks down somewhat at the marriage partner level, doesn’t it!

Anyway three seemed to work well for our children and it works well for Jon and Nic’s as well. No person’s life goes perfectly smoothly and if you are having a poopy spell and you are an only child that it can be tough to handle. But if you feel like opting out of whatever is going on and there are three of you, well the other two can carry on playing together while you get your issues sorted and feel like participating again. Not that our grandkids were being particularly poopy, but everyone gets out of sorts when things don’t work out exactly the way you had thought they would.

Eli and Abi had a lovely little visit in the wagon on the way to school at the end of the day to pick up Ben. The sun was pleasantly warm, they had sufficient toys along on the ride to promote interaction and they were able to create their own little space as they moved effortlessly down the sidewalk. However, Ben had an armload of projects to take home at the end of the school year and there was only room for Eli on the return trip. Abi was miffed. But Eli was happy and Ben had a lot of explaining to do about his construction work on his Styrofoam and sandpaper collage so Abi simply had to get over herself, which she of course did. All that is all to the good for how she will later have to deal with setbacks in her adult world.

The other factor is that Grandma was happy to substitute a piggyback ride for the wagon and that delighted Abi no end. This is not only another good life lesson but an illustration of the importance of the extended family in the lives of our children. Mom and Dad are obviously fundamental, and the argument that single parents or same gendered parents can be as effective is simply seeking to rationalize what is essentially dysfunctional. But of only slightly less importance is the connection to grandparents and neighbours, cousins and uncles that not only enrich our children’s lives, but provide other sources of love and acceptance, life-lessons and role-modeling. I had one grandparent growing up, and although she was a dear, it was a poor substitute for the full complement of family that our circumstances disallowed. Our grandchildren have four loving and doting grandparents, and although they don’t see Pam and me often, we let them know when we can just how important they are to us. It can’t help but make a difference to their view of the larger world.

I woke up early, around 4ish, and checked the email and Facebook. Got up a quick post on our arrival just to let folks know where we were and then took a long, leisurely, hot shower. Pam woke around 6 and we were packed, loaded and checked out by 7, sitting down to a passable breakfast in the airport motel where we had spent the night. After a quick refresher on the street route into town I drove down Airport Road to Dixon and down Scarlett Road to St. Clair. I must admit Toronto looked pretty nice at that hour. Traffic was light and the parks and trees green, spacious and inviting. We stopped at a Starbucks on College for a latte and quick read of the morning paper.

The news that interested us most was the Mafia hit on a petty gangster at a restaurant where my niece works. Fortunately she was not on shift when it happened, although she had friends who were. The police had the suspect in custody already, but Toronto had been rocked by a number of gang-related murders in recent weeks, including a shootout at the Eaton Center and this wasn’t good for the city’s image. We drove past the place on the way to Jane’s and it looked like your typical nice Italian restaurant with sidewalk seating and a friendly ambiance. Stuff like that can’t be good for business.

My ex-sister-in-law Jane lives in a tiny, narrow house tucked away just off College and Bathurst and both she and her oldest Sarah were up and happy to see us. Jane works for the city in art installations and her house is rich in her eclectic, colourful collection of pieces either bought from or given by her artist friends. Shortly we were joined by her steady companion Joe who lives not far away in an even tinier house, real estate being what it is in Toronto. We went to a local café for coffees and a natter and I ended up in a most interesting conversation with Joe about environmental concerns, a subject on which he was well qualified to speak.

Joe had to go and visit his 98 year old mother while we moseyed on down the street to the place where Sarah’s sister Tessa works where we had a brunch of Belgian waffles, strawberries, bananas, maple syrup and whipped cream for the ladies and a superb omelet for me. The food was excellent and Tessa was delighted to serve us and introduce her boss to us. The place was busy getting ready for the Italy/England Euro Cup game later that afternoon and expecting a big crowd.

I left the ladies to make their own way home and headed out across town to visit my brother. Wyn lives in a highrise overlooking the Don Valley with a nice view of the ravine and the city skyline in the distance. We sat and chatted on the balcony for a bit, getting caught up on family news, then we watched a boring and ineffective English team march in a desultory way towards their own, inevitable defeat at the hands of an only slightly more effective Italian team. Neither side stand a chance against the German juggernaut they will have to face next, but it was for me, at least, a very pleasant way to spend the afternoon with my brother.

I returned to my car only to find that I had violated some parking offense during my stay and had a ticket to show for my transgressions. I chuckled at the notion of stuffing it in the glove box for my son to find and pay for after I had left the country and did a brief mental calculation of how much I had paid in driving lessons, car repairs and insurance payments for him while he was growing up. Surely one parking ticket was at least some recompense, but I dismissed the thought as unworthy of my role as father. Besides, he is loaning me his Audi, and that is payment enough. She’s a great ride.

I picked Pam up at Jane’s and we had a speedy and relatively effortless drive back to London. The Audi performed admirably both in the city where it was agile and responsive and on the highway where it was comfortable and reliable. The stickshift was a real treat after the clunky automatic that I am forced to use in Malaysia, and the gear ratios were what you would expect on a German performance vehicle. I must confess I quite enjoyed shutting down some overripe, tarted-up truck trying to muscle his way past me on Bloor Street. I don’t do that kind of thing with Pam in the car, but it is hard to get my father’s racing background out of my bloodstream, and this Audi has got some moves. I think I like it!

 

So grateful to have had some very leisurely time this past weekend to visit with friends and family. Not thoroughly enjoying the challenges of driving a vehicle with a standard transmission, I made a decision to take the train to Toronto to visit with my friend Sonya. We met up at Union Station and spent the day just wandering downtown.

The weather was fabulous so we took the ferry across to Center Island, sat on the beach, enjoyed the view and snacked on chilly cheese fries and just got caught up on all the news. By the time I boarded the train at seven, for the ride I was plenty ready to just relax and read.

On Sunday, after church and a few quick visits with friends, Sunday I headed north to Whalen’s Corners where I had the joy of sharing a Father’s Day dinner with my Uncle Stewart and Aunt Lil. As always, Sandra prepared a lovely spread with fabulous steaks, compliments of Larry’s well developed skills on the BBQ. I can’t remember when I last had a steak but this one  sure tasted great.

Both Stewart and Lil have been struggling with health issues this past year but they are looking great and still fully enjoying life with their children, grandkids and even four great grandkids.I am so pleased to have had this time with them while I am home.

My grandfather never married my grandmother for a very good reason: he was already married. That didn’t keep him from taking a mistress (my grandmother) and getting her pregnant (my father). And neither wife nor mistress kept him from abandoning them both and sailing off to Shanghai. I think I was about thirteen when I first heard this story, and I was curious, as all little boys are, and a little bit in awe of hearing such unusual things about what I had thought was a very quiet and normal family. Anything but, it seemed. Now that I have seen Shanghai, I think I have a better understanding of what that all meant. But I am getting ahead of myself.

My father was born –out of wedlock – in 1917. There was a war going on at the time, so it can’t have been easy getting medical attention, I don’t imagine. And giving birth when you are not married was definitely frowned upon in those days. I don’t know what shame that birth brought upon my grandmother’s head, but it was enough to drive her to undertake a perilous adventure. My grandfather was in construction, and after the war England was not an easy place to get work. The war had caused a lot of economic damage in Britain, as wars do, and the prospects for employment looked better overseas, particularly in China, and most particularly in Shanghai.

Shanghai was at that time a British colony, and Britain intended to make it into its primary port and mercantile hub for the Empire in Asia. Buildings were going up at a phenomenal rate, and my grandfather sailed to Shanghai, as many young men did after the Great War, to find work and his fortune. As far as I can tell he first went to work on the Chinese Mercantile Bank on Nanjing Road, with its famous gold leaf dome, completed in 1921. I also believe he worked on the Hongkong and Shanghai Bank (HSBC) on the Bund overlooking the Huangpu River, famous for its dome mosaics, and completed in 1925 (The mosaics were covered up when the Communists took control and survived the ransacking of “imperialist” heritage buildings. I was unable to ascertain whether the magnificent dome of this building was also originally graced with gold leaf and stripped by Mao for his coffers). Certainly there was no shortage of building going on.

At any rate my grandmother, having waited some time for her man to return, decided to take her young son, who can have been no more than five or six at the time, and sail to Shanghai to find his father. I can’t imagine what she must have thought when she landed. There would have been a dizzying array of sights and sounds to greet her, for Shanghai was alive with Germans, French, Russians, Brits, and of course Chinese all building and buying, selling and drinking, gambling and dealing in drugs, for the heart of the opium trade ran through Shanghai.

How she coped with all that, I don’t know. How she found my grandfather in all that, I have no idea. But find him she did and I can only imagine how desperately she pleaded with him to ‘make an honest woman’ of her, and accept this young child by her side as his son and return to England with her. He refused; apparently he was by now already ‘married’ to a local woman, and had no intention of accepting any responsibility for any children or of returning to England.

How did she bear that, the poor woman? Having given her all to this man, having been willing to be disgraced for the sake of his love, having borne his child and brought it to him in China, to be refused in such circumstances, how did she bear such callous rejection, how did she bear such grief? And what must my father have felt, so have come so far with the prospect of seeing his father, to have been told to behave in such a way; to say such and such things, to smile and be polite? Did he think it was his fault, his father’s rejection? What did that do to his young heart? I can only imagine.

But I have seen Shanghai, its stately buildings, its wealth of colour and life, its clash of East and West, its crush of people, and it must have been then a disorienting experience for both mother and child to be alone is such place under such circumstances. Somehow my grandmother made it to Vladivostok in Russia where the two of them made the long and lonely journey back to Europe on the Trans Siberian Railroad. My grandmother died a few years later, perhaps of a broken heart. My father became an orphan with her death, having never been acknowledged by his father.

I don’t know what that did to my father emotionally, for we never talked of such things. He was always a very private man, my father, with private griefs that he bore with gentlemanly grace. He was always most kind with me, and I liked being in his quiet presence as he worked on his trains and painstakingly carved wooden boats. Perhaps someday, if God has answered my most fervent prayer, I will have the joy of walking and talking with him again in Heaven, where no one is an orphan, and all griefs are gone. This is my most fervent prayer.

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